EXPERIMENTING WITH MONKEYS

I woke up too early this morning. 6:30 and what to do but to stay in bed and listen to the sounds in the building. Water pipes whispering. The muffled sound of the restaurant fan from outside. Neighbor's rattling with keys in the staircase.

I couldn't go back to sleep because I was worried. I am not a very physical person. I usually think of myself as a floating head, and my body is a pleasant surprise that I discover while reaching for the soap in the shower. Or an unpleasant surprise when I feel too fat for my jeans.

I have this slight ache from somewhere within my body. I do not know what it is. It doesn't hurt. It just makes itself known. In a dull way.

I'm not a person who hugs easily. I do not hold hands. Public affection - hello? no! When I was a kid I don't think anyone hugged me, or touched me in any way from I was 10 until - no, it's too personal to tell. But it was many years. Aloof Swedish geek.

The other day I had a marvelous chat session. Such sweet fun. We created a mind movie and spent sensual quality online time in my online bed. I had to take a rest on the real bed in my real life and -- I felt so alone.

I woke up this morning and thought about the famous monkey experiment. When they let baby monkeys live without their mothers. When they found out about the importance of being touched.

I turned on my computer to see if I had any new messages.

Maybe, I thought. Maybe the ache would vanish if someone else touched me.